just re-reading my last blog (of a few minutes ago) I realise that like the quangos I was moaning about, this blog has perhaps too many layers, confusingly...
I am sure I read that good blogs should have a clear purpose: emotional clearing, therapy, political...
Mine is all and none of the above. And in any case, I would certainly never call it 'good' or 'clear'!
But if you think about mille-feuille - all those layers, confusing, crumbs everywhere, can be insubstantial, but also sweet and a welcome treat - I suppose it is a good metaphor for my blog, which is then in turn very descriptive of my head. All over the place.
I don't think anyone's out there anyway. ;-)
PQB
Sunday, 9 March 2008
ow
I've already used the picture of the rocks inside my head. Double them, and that gives you an idea of how it's feeling right now, after a night drinking wine, talking, laughing and crying with my lovely friend.
A strange night involving all of the above plus a ghost from the past (hopefully laid to rest, but we will see what happens when the fog clears) and a make-or-break discussion with someone who may be of the future.
When I was writing about my work a couple of days ago, there were things I meant to say but ran out of time.
Searching the archives, I found a news item telling of a man who'd been fined under the 'Control of Eggs Act' for, well, not controlling his eggs properly...
That was welcome light relief after the events of the morning - a waste of public money so that politicians and business people and those employed in the mille-feuille of quangos that make up modern life. If I'd been playing corporate-speak bingo, I'd have been national champion - partnership working, sustainable, renewable energy, blue sky thinking, the new north star, stakeholders - ding ding ding they were all there, and more.
Great news that our circulation has increased by 500 over the last few months...
I found prayer flags in my room today. They're cheerful - at the church I used to attend, prayer sometimes seemed such a serious and - dare I say it - joyless thing; heaven forbid that you just chatted to God about your day. And prayer flags would have been seen as an abomination.
I read that they are supposed to flutter the prayers up to heaven...which is lovely.
PQB
A strange night involving all of the above plus a ghost from the past (hopefully laid to rest, but we will see what happens when the fog clears) and a make-or-break discussion with someone who may be of the future.
When I was writing about my work a couple of days ago, there were things I meant to say but ran out of time.
Searching the archives, I found a news item telling of a man who'd been fined under the 'Control of Eggs Act' for, well, not controlling his eggs properly...
That was welcome light relief after the events of the morning - a waste of public money so that politicians and business people and those employed in the mille-feuille of quangos that make up modern life. If I'd been playing corporate-speak bingo, I'd have been national champion - partnership working, sustainable, renewable energy, blue sky thinking, the new north star, stakeholders - ding ding ding they were all there, and more.
Great news that our circulation has increased by 500 over the last few months...
I found prayer flags in my room today. They're cheerful - at the church I used to attend, prayer sometimes seemed such a serious and - dare I say it - joyless thing; heaven forbid that you just chatted to God about your day. And prayer flags would have been seen as an abomination.
I read that they are supposed to flutter the prayers up to heaven...which is lovely.
PQB
Friday, 7 March 2008
travail
This week has not been great, workwise: it's been one of those weeks where not only have I pleased no one at all, but I seem to have gone one step further and utterly pissed many people off. For an inherent people-pleaser like myself, that's very stress-inducing...and of course, I tend to make matters worse by over-compensating, apologising, explaining, etc etc etc...which makes everything much, much worse.However, at the same time, I love my job. I am so grateful for it. What gets me down is politics and relationships (I'm not good at dealing with either because of shyness, having been out of that kind of environment for several years, and just general social ineptitude).
I love the challenge and doing something different every day. I love the potential for change - both my own personal change, and the opportunity to effect change, perhaps, in my tiny part of the world.
I titled the photo above "aspirations" because it perfectly displays my own, and is a reminder of why the shitty weeks are worth it.
I would write more, but my dinner's ready.
PQB
Monday, 18 February 2008
rockin' all over...
...my head.
It feels like it's got rocks in it. Rocks would probably yield more sense.
I think I've got lots to say, but am too lazy to say it. Even here.
maybe later...
PQB
Saturday, 16 February 2008
The city that never sleeps
Why is that I feel most at peace in the city? All that noise, all those people, all that going on, but yet that's where I feel *totally* at peace. My heart, my mind, everything is at ease when I'm up there, and I can feel the un-peace and unease starting as I leave its boundaries to travel home on the motorway.
There's only one city for me, and that's Glasgow. I miss it (and I've only been home 45 minutes). I love it at night. I wish I could write well enough to describe it. One day I'll have a go. In the meantime there are a handful of pics on flickr (the ones that were in focus, i.e. 3 out of about 150) which show two of my favourite places.
Shame I had to leave!
Today's been a good day, though.
I saw an old couple in the supermarket. I love to see old *couples* - so often you just see elderly people alone, and that can be sad - so it's fantastic to see old, long-married pairs going about their business.
This pair were particularly cool - the togetherness just oozing out of them and what struck me about them was the fact that they were still *chatting* together. All those years, and they still hadn't run out of things to say. Fantastic.
Someone approached me, in the same supermarket, and said: "I've been following your stories for months. I like your writing." Obviously crazed, but it's good to hear that. (I do make more of an effort at work).
Before leaving for Glasgow, I had to take photos at a ceilidh for local disabled/mental health patients. That was pretty cool - it's simple entertainment but there is so little provision in the way of services locally that its *everything* to them, and they enjoy it and really, really value it because of that. It's just &*%$£!@# typical that *all* my photos are out of focus. I'm annoyed, for them. I am hoping the wizards in the Department of Smoke and Mirrors at work can do something about them.
So tomorrow's plan is: kill two birds with one stone, and get out there and practise taking photos. Ones that are in focus.
And now, it's time for bed.
PQB
There's only one city for me, and that's Glasgow. I miss it (and I've only been home 45 minutes). I love it at night. I wish I could write well enough to describe it. One day I'll have a go. In the meantime there are a handful of pics on flickr (the ones that were in focus, i.e. 3 out of about 150) which show two of my favourite places.
Shame I had to leave!
Today's been a good day, though.
I saw an old couple in the supermarket. I love to see old *couples* - so often you just see elderly people alone, and that can be sad - so it's fantastic to see old, long-married pairs going about their business.
This pair were particularly cool - the togetherness just oozing out of them and what struck me about them was the fact that they were still *chatting* together. All those years, and they still hadn't run out of things to say. Fantastic.
Someone approached me, in the same supermarket, and said: "I've been following your stories for months. I like your writing." Obviously crazed, but it's good to hear that. (I do make more of an effort at work).
Before leaving for Glasgow, I had to take photos at a ceilidh for local disabled/mental health patients. That was pretty cool - it's simple entertainment but there is so little provision in the way of services locally that its *everything* to them, and they enjoy it and really, really value it because of that. It's just &*%$£!@# typical that *all* my photos are out of focus. I'm annoyed, for them. I am hoping the wizards in the Department of Smoke and Mirrors at work can do something about them.
So tomorrow's plan is: kill two birds with one stone, and get out there and practise taking photos. Ones that are in focus.
And now, it's time for bed.
PQB
Friday, 15 February 2008
enough already
I like this dragon. Sometimes I feel like a dragon, especially in the mornings before I've had a cup of tea. I wouldn't mind if I was like this dragon.
Billy Connolly said: avoid the company of those who say they know all the answers. instead, seek out those who are still trying to understand the question.
this is really reassuring to me - I am always trying to understand the question.
seriously, going to bed now.
PQB
resolve
I am the first to admit that for many years, I have had a very negative attitude about the small Scottish town where I live.
I grew up here, and my young adolescence was not really a happy time. I felt like an oddball, that I didn't fit in. I continued to feel this way for a very long time.
I felt trapped here and thus angry, resentful. I railed against my town for its negative outlook, its apathy. I didn't really see, somehow, that I was contributing to that. I certainly wasn't doing anything to make it better. I thought I was above it all, I was here by chance and bad luck, not by choice, the town didn't deserve me, I was different. (Yet another cringe. I suspect it will be a regular occurence. Let's just put a disclaimer here, now, that with every one of my blog posts, there will be at least one cringe at myself, somewhere).
Now that I have my new job, working for the local paper, I finally have the attitude "if you can't beat it, join it." In order to do my job properly, I *have* to get a really good grasp of the issues, struggles and joys that make up this community. I've ignored those for years. I can't anymore.
The great thing is that I have found in myself a deep, deep love for this wee town. I can't believe it. I am seeing things about the community that I never thought I would. I'm walking about with my eyes open and seeing that while it's true that many of those complaints are valid, there is so, so much that's WONDERFUL about this funny little place.
There are people who genuinely care about this community. It's special to see and a privilege to be in their company.
A man came to the office today. He comes in a lot. He's what my mother would describe as "a little slow". I wonder, though.
Every time he comes to our office, he's drawing our attention to some aspect of our town that is wanting: it usually involves litter, fly tipping, a fence or structure which has become scruffy and needs a lick of paint. He's fed up of seeing the problem continue without anyone doing anything about it, and he comes to the newspaper to see if we care enough to highlight it and publicise it.
And unlike many others, he doesn't want recognition for doing this, he doesn't care about that, and he's not just moaning for the sake of it. He just wants it sorted, because he thinks it makes the town - *his* town, my town, our town, your town, the tourists' town - untidy and scruffy. He thinks it's letting the town, and the side, down. He has a pride in this town and he wants it to be the best it can be.
He is perhaps one of those citizens that is ignored or shunned, at best looked down upon, certainly not respected or feted or lauded, perhaps a figure of fun. He is quiet, he's not had the best advantages in terms of education, he's not rich. He goes about his business without asking much of anyone until he sees something that he thinks needs to be changed. That makes him much wiser than many of us and certainly me.
I'm ashamed to say that in the office, we've not always treated his concerns with the respect that they deserve. Today, I resolve to change that.
***
Today I went, in my work capacity, to a walk-through inspection of the local town hall which has lain in disrepair for several years and is currently the focus of a working group who hope to save it.
I've not been inside this building for probably 30 years. The last time I was there, I won first prize in a raffle: a Sindy Ballerina. I still remember the thrill of realising I'd won, and how beautiful this blonde Sindy was in her white tutu with her very bendy feet.
Anyway, that has no relevance whatsoever to this story... The old hall has potential. I just really, really hope it can be saved. In my new found love for this crazy little town, I just want it to become *something*. It's located in the heart of the town, and I just keep thinking how good it would be if it *became* a new heart for the town.
My rose-tinted spectacles are firmly attached to my face at the moment but I really hope that it becomes something good, something great...
***
My front page story this week talks about the resolve of the community when it comes to fighting on an issue that's been dragging this town down for over thirty years. As I said above, as I look at the community through new eyes, I see all these little pockets of resolve, of drive, of fighting spirit, which I never noticed before. I need to be a part of that, stop moaning and start doing.
Anyway, it strikes me that finally (six weeks into the New Year) I seem to be in the mindset to resolve...to make those New Year's resolutions. The lack of direction in that respect was worrying me. I'm glad it's finally put in an appearance. Maybe by the time summer comes I will have actually written some down. Something for anyone reading this to look forward to...
One that I am writing down is to remember to look for the beauty in the ordinary or everyday, and to get my camera out and record that.
I started off by setting up a flickr (see links) and placing my first photograph which is truly a thing of beauty...my lovely, lovely Ducati, which is far from ordinary but which is certainly an understated creature.
OK I am going to shut up now.
I grew up here, and my young adolescence was not really a happy time. I felt like an oddball, that I didn't fit in. I continued to feel this way for a very long time.
I felt trapped here and thus angry, resentful. I railed against my town for its negative outlook, its apathy. I didn't really see, somehow, that I was contributing to that. I certainly wasn't doing anything to make it better. I thought I was above it all, I was here by chance and bad luck, not by choice, the town didn't deserve me, I was different. (Yet another cringe. I suspect it will be a regular occurence. Let's just put a disclaimer here, now, that with every one of my blog posts, there will be at least one cringe at myself, somewhere).
Now that I have my new job, working for the local paper, I finally have the attitude "if you can't beat it, join it." In order to do my job properly, I *have* to get a really good grasp of the issues, struggles and joys that make up this community. I've ignored those for years. I can't anymore.
The great thing is that I have found in myself a deep, deep love for this wee town. I can't believe it. I am seeing things about the community that I never thought I would. I'm walking about with my eyes open and seeing that while it's true that many of those complaints are valid, there is so, so much that's WONDERFUL about this funny little place.
There are people who genuinely care about this community. It's special to see and a privilege to be in their company.
A man came to the office today. He comes in a lot. He's what my mother would describe as "a little slow". I wonder, though.
Every time he comes to our office, he's drawing our attention to some aspect of our town that is wanting: it usually involves litter, fly tipping, a fence or structure which has become scruffy and needs a lick of paint. He's fed up of seeing the problem continue without anyone doing anything about it, and he comes to the newspaper to see if we care enough to highlight it and publicise it.
And unlike many others, he doesn't want recognition for doing this, he doesn't care about that, and he's not just moaning for the sake of it. He just wants it sorted, because he thinks it makes the town - *his* town, my town, our town, your town, the tourists' town - untidy and scruffy. He thinks it's letting the town, and the side, down. He has a pride in this town and he wants it to be the best it can be.
He is perhaps one of those citizens that is ignored or shunned, at best looked down upon, certainly not respected or feted or lauded, perhaps a figure of fun. He is quiet, he's not had the best advantages in terms of education, he's not rich. He goes about his business without asking much of anyone until he sees something that he thinks needs to be changed. That makes him much wiser than many of us and certainly me.
I'm ashamed to say that in the office, we've not always treated his concerns with the respect that they deserve. Today, I resolve to change that.
***
Today I went, in my work capacity, to a walk-through inspection of the local town hall which has lain in disrepair for several years and is currently the focus of a working group who hope to save it.
I've not been inside this building for probably 30 years. The last time I was there, I won first prize in a raffle: a Sindy Ballerina. I still remember the thrill of realising I'd won, and how beautiful this blonde Sindy was in her white tutu with her very bendy feet.
Anyway, that has no relevance whatsoever to this story... The old hall has potential. I just really, really hope it can be saved. In my new found love for this crazy little town, I just want it to become *something*. It's located in the heart of the town, and I just keep thinking how good it would be if it *became* a new heart for the town.
My rose-tinted spectacles are firmly attached to my face at the moment but I really hope that it becomes something good, something great...
***
My front page story this week talks about the resolve of the community when it comes to fighting on an issue that's been dragging this town down for over thirty years. As I said above, as I look at the community through new eyes, I see all these little pockets of resolve, of drive, of fighting spirit, which I never noticed before. I need to be a part of that, stop moaning and start doing.
Anyway, it strikes me that finally (six weeks into the New Year) I seem to be in the mindset to resolve...to make those New Year's resolutions. The lack of direction in that respect was worrying me. I'm glad it's finally put in an appearance. Maybe by the time summer comes I will have actually written some down. Something for anyone reading this to look forward to...
One that I am writing down is to remember to look for the beauty in the ordinary or everyday, and to get my camera out and record that.
I started off by setting up a flickr (see links) and placing my first photograph which is truly a thing of beauty...my lovely, lovely Ducati, which is far from ordinary but which is certainly an understated creature.
OK I am going to shut up now.
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