Too many men.

If I had a crowd picture, I'd have added that instead, because that would be a more appropriate visual for what's going on inside my head at the moment. I feel like a person stranded in the middle of a crowd of faceless people who also don't see my face.

(But there was something I liked about this picture, which I took this afternoon, so I've just added it instead.)

Anyway, the 'too many men' of the title does not refer to my romantic life, but my spiritual life.

I crave closeness to God (while secretly fearing that I am just too bad, too sinful, too flawed and too awful to come near him without being burned).

My experiences of the Christian church was that so often, my relationship with God became very crowded with people. So many people were keen to tell me what I 'should' be doing, reading, not doing, not reading, etc...so often, it drowned out that still, small voice.

Of course, I bear responsibility for allowing those voices to do so.

There seemed so many practices, rituals* and instructions which appeared to be more about what people wanted. What God wanted? Not so much...as far as I could discern.

(*I don't mean liturgy; I find a great deal of spiritual comfort in liturgy. I mean things that were done in churches "because we've always done it that way." Even the very little experience I have of the emerging church movement seemed to be developing such rituals. Human nature, coupled with my own naivity? Probably.)

After a gap of several months (and before that, over a year) I went to church today. I'm still not convinced that a Christian church is for me; I don't know if that's because of my readings about Islam, or what. But right now I just feel so hungry to be with other people who believe in God, who are on a spiritual journey, that I had to go somewhere.

It was a good, challenging and helpful sermon - and the people were loving and kind, in just the right measures.

But a thought that struck me as I was walking home (in wonderful peace and quiet...bliss) was: why do we put all these human barriers up between us and God? Why can't it just be us and God?

Qualifying the next with the fact that I do understand that my knowledge of the world's religions only scratches the surface - it seems that many of the monotheistic faiths of the world have these layers of 'men' between the people and God.

Gurus, imams, priests - and beyond those, greater prophets - is it easier for us to have a belief in God when others have walked before us? Is the concept of God, without a protective advance guard of other men like ourselves, just too much?

In no way do I want to offend. I am asking myself as much as anyone else.

But then again, thinking of the holy texts: as I understand it, the Quran was given to Mohammed by angels; in the Bible, Moses had to remain in the cleft of the rock because it would not be possible for him to look directly upon God, he could only see the back of him; in light of these examples, why should *I* - flawed, sinful, dirty I - be able to get close to God without intercession, without protection?

At the heart of all my questioning and rambling is a pure and simple craving for closeness to God. I have no idea what path I'm on, if any - I have no idea what is the right path. The only thing I know right now is that I do believe in God and I just want to be closer to him than I am.