Too many men.

If I had a crowd picture, I'd have added that instead, because that would be a more appropriate visual for what's going on inside my head at the moment. I feel like a person stranded in the middle of a crowd of faceless people who also don't see my face.

(But there was something I liked about this picture, which I took this afternoon, so I've just added it instead.)

Anyway, the 'too many men' of the title does not refer to my romantic life, but my spiritual life.

I crave closeness to God (while secretly fearing that I am just too bad, too sinful, too flawed and too awful to come near him without being burned).

My experiences of the Christian church was that so often, my relationship with God became very crowded with people. So many people were keen to tell me what I 'should' be doing, reading, not doing, not reading, etc...so often, it drowned out that still, small voice.

Of course, I bear responsibility for allowing those voices to do so.

There seemed so many practices, rituals* and instructions which appeared to be more about what people wanted. What God wanted? Not so much...as far as I could discern.

(*I don't mean liturgy; I find a great deal of spiritual comfort in liturgy. I mean things that were done in churches "because we've always done it that way." Even the very little experience I have of the emerging church movement seemed to be developing such rituals. Human nature, coupled with my own naivity? Probably.)

After a gap of several months (and before that, over a year) I went to church today. I'm still not convinced that a Christian church is for me; I don't know if that's because of my readings about Islam, or what. But right now I just feel so hungry to be with other people who believe in God, who are on a spiritual journey, that I had to go somewhere.

It was a good, challenging and helpful sermon - and the people were loving and kind, in just the right measures.

But a thought that struck me as I was walking home (in wonderful peace and quiet...bliss) was: why do we put all these human barriers up between us and God? Why can't it just be us and God?

Qualifying the next with the fact that I do understand that my knowledge of the world's religions only scratches the surface - it seems that many of the monotheistic faiths of the world have these layers of 'men' between the people and God.

Gurus, imams, priests - and beyond those, greater prophets - is it easier for us to have a belief in God when others have walked before us? Is the concept of God, without a protective advance guard of other men like ourselves, just too much?

In no way do I want to offend. I am asking myself as much as anyone else.

But then again, thinking of the holy texts: as I understand it, the Quran was given to Mohammed by angels; in the Bible, Moses had to remain in the cleft of the rock because it would not be possible for him to look directly upon God, he could only see the back of him; in light of these examples, why should *I* - flawed, sinful, dirty I - be able to get close to God without intercession, without protection?

At the heart of all my questioning and rambling is a pure and simple craving for closeness to God. I have no idea what path I'm on, if any - I have no idea what is the right path. The only thing I know right now is that I do believe in God and I just want to be closer to him than I am.

Keep learning. It'd be really boring if you knew all the answers already.

I just typed 'failure' in the title line, but I deleted it and changed my mind.

I made a mistake at work today - I got facts wrong in a story, and this has caused anxiety to some local residents. (This last is what is upsetting me the most, as well as my own total inability to deal with mistakes and my tendency to beat myself up).

I'm trying to not handle this situation the way I usually have in the past, and to deal with it in an adult, effective, productive, constructive way. Hence deleting 'failure' - the way my mind works, that will only serve to keep me dwelling on it.

I have to say, it is disheartening that every time I'm cruising towards increasing my confidence in myself or my abilities, something like this happens. (Maybe I am sabotaging it myself somehow? Hmm.)

I don't have a lot of confidence, and I've always struggled with being complacent - fearing that if I become complacent, or start taking things for granted, I will be punished, or will lose those things. I confuse complacence with confidence - I am trying so hard not to have the former that I destroy any chance I have of gaining the latter.

It just seems ironic that every time I start to relax a little (this time at work) 'something bad happens.' Maybe I need to look more closely at that.

I definitely need to chill when it comes to my job. I am very guilty of letting it define me - allowing my career successes and failures to define who I am. Living to work instead of working to live.

Wow, I'm a nightmare. I get annoyed at myself!

Just trying to process some of this stuff through...thank goodness no one actually reads this. ;-)

I don't have kids, I get lonely sometimes - I guess that's why I value my job so much. That, and my inherited west coast Scottish Protestant work ethic.

Anyone else, I'd be able to reassure them. Myself, I can't forgive so easily.

Do I forgive others' mistakes easily though? I need to look at that too. Maybe this is what I can learn from this mistake.

I am desperately missing a spiritual dimension to my life at the moment, I just can't seem to find the right path. Do I need a specific path? Society tells me that yes, I do. I can't quite smother the sound of that voice yet.

...

OK, after gazing out of the window for a bit, at the most beautiful pink sky (I don't have the camera handy, or I'd attempt a pic) I have managed to replace the dot that was the original title of this blog to something a little more optimistic. Something that when I look on this tomorrow and prepare to cringe at yet another session of narrow-focus navel gazing, will hopefully inspire me just a wee bit to get over myself.

Now, THAT should be the title - get over yourself! :-)

just chill!

I've really got to just chill out.

I'm starting to do my own head in. Worry, worry, worry; project, project, project; stress, stress, stress. About nothing, mostly.

So, I have decided I must take steps to take better care of myself - and that does not mean this endless droning and self-analysis. Stop the negative thoughts in their tracks, and do things that help.

Seeking peace - well, at this moment, the picture above is a perfect illustration of peace for me. So I'm going to make that my 'happy place'. LOL.

Being outside has always helped to calm me down, and today I took out an annual membership for the local botanic garden. This means I can get in free whenever I want, and I can go and sit on the above bench, or any of the many others that nestle in gorgeous green glades or peaceful corners of the garden.

It's nature, but ordered nature, and I think it's just the kind of environment that will help me to chill a bit, if I take advantage of it.

I hate the fact that if there is anyone out there reading this, it's going to make no sense whatsoever...

If you are reading, I'm really not that bad...and I save all the crazy for here. :-D

bleh

still feeling blah, still feeling blue.

blue sky thinking

Blue sky thinking, one of those phrases that earns you a prize if you're playing "corporate-speak bingo."

And not something that applies to my thoughts today, no matter how hard I tried. (But hey, the picture's quite good, so I was trying to find a way to include it.)

I was trying to do some personal 'blue sky thinking' today...trying to think outside the box that is my head, trying to figure some stuff out.

All I think I really managed to do was depress myself, a little - not so much blue sky as just blues.

In a nutshell, I just feel so lonely...and that's really hard for me to admit, for all sorts of reasons. I feel shame at being lonely - I figure there must be something wrong with me because I am not popular. People make judgements about you based on how many friends you have. If you don't have many, then you don't seem to attract any more.

The words that my mother used so, so many times in my childhood are like a bell tolling. The sound echoes from my past, reverberates into my present, and I fear the vibrations are shaping my future, too.

I want to try to process this through. She used to say to me, when I'd done something wrong (I need to take some time at some point to identify what kind of things): "You're so horrible - if you don't watch out, when you grow up, you'll be a lonely old woman with no friends."

I feel lonely, so I feel I must be horrible, because I have fulfilled my mother's prophecy. And I can see how I have potentially created a self-fulfilling prophecy there; I just feel pretty helpless when it comes to changing it.

I don't know how to change it. Crap women's magazines tell you: "Join clubs! If you meet someone interesting, invite them for coffee! Listen and ask questions! Treat people as you want to be treated! Be friendly - smile! People will respond to your outreach!"

I'm sorry, but they don't. People go to clubs with existing sets of friends. If you invite random strangers for coffee, they think you're a weirdo with no friends. Asking questions can backfire - people think you're nosy. Listening - well, I have this one down pat, and all that happens is you get overloaded with information and become a kind of emotional dump. Treat as you want to be treated - I try - but it just never seems to come back; I'm despondent. Smile - well, OK, I haven't given up on that one, but I do suspect people think I'm mental.

OK, the above makes me sound bitter, or like I've given up, or like I know it all. I don't think any of those are true, but I am just a little despondent. I am the first to admit I know my social skills aren't great, due to shyness and fear; but I just need a wee bit of encouragement at the moment, a wee boost.

I am just desperately lonely and it makes me feel sad, sometimes.

Yet at the same time I am surrounded by people. Casual acquaintances, work contacts; things could be a lot worse. I just crave that deeper connection - it would be so good to have that just now. I am starving for connection. (And I am guessing that typing all this out, in this fashion, isn't going to make me sound like an attractive prospect! Argh. Note to self: try to do a selling-self type blog soon...)

I was scribbling random thoughts today, in my "think outside the box" session on the train, and my first note was: "things are not always what they seem."

This works both ways - and I need to remember that it doesn't always mean that the actual reality is worse than the surface appearance; sometimes the hidden truth is better.

I think I need to really look, and want to see, things very carefully before I can see what they really, truly are.

By the same token I need to think about, and look at, quite carefully, what I say to the world - and what reality I am hiding.

That's about as far as I got. It became a little depressing and I admit I got a wee bit stuck on "lonely". I need to try to remember that I'm not at the mercy of lonely. There is more thinking to be done, some of those random scribble thoughts need expansion and consideration (something to look forward to, readers... ).

So, back to the blue sky thinking - yes, I got blue, but I need to look at that picture above and remember that the clouds dissipate eventually and the sun comes back out. The blue is behind the clouds...so if I'm already at blue, that's got to be good?

time off

Since my last blog post (I love how I'm writing this like there is anyone out there saying: "we haven't had a new PQB blog since March!!!") I have been working REALLY hard - too hard to get near the blog.

I now have some time off and a whole lot of accumulated crap in my head (whoopee!).

Empty blog, too much rubbish in head...this can work for me...

But for now I'm off to have breakfast.

"I'll be back."

PQB

words to live by

I have two sayings which I felt really resonated with me, applied to me, not so much words to live by as words to comfort.

They are:

Go quietly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. - Desiderata

To know great happiness, one must first know great sadness - Confucious

Now I have three sayings, and to be honest I think the third one just has to be words to live by, for sure:

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little - Edmund Burke

visit www.hardrainproject.com

PQB