Too many men.

If I had a crowd picture, I'd have added that instead, because that would be a more appropriate visual for what's going on inside my head at the moment. I feel like a person stranded in the middle of a crowd of faceless people who also don't see my face.

(But there was something I liked about this picture, which I took this afternoon, so I've just added it instead.)

Anyway, the 'too many men' of the title does not refer to my romantic life, but my spiritual life.

I crave closeness to God (while secretly fearing that I am just too bad, too sinful, too flawed and too awful to come near him without being burned).

My experiences of the Christian church was that so often, my relationship with God became very crowded with people. So many people were keen to tell me what I 'should' be doing, reading, not doing, not reading, etc...so often, it drowned out that still, small voice.

Of course, I bear responsibility for allowing those voices to do so.

There seemed so many practices, rituals* and instructions which appeared to be more about what people wanted. What God wanted? Not so much...as far as I could discern.

(*I don't mean liturgy; I find a great deal of spiritual comfort in liturgy. I mean things that were done in churches "because we've always done it that way." Even the very little experience I have of the emerging church movement seemed to be developing such rituals. Human nature, coupled with my own naivity? Probably.)

After a gap of several months (and before that, over a year) I went to church today. I'm still not convinced that a Christian church is for me; I don't know if that's because of my readings about Islam, or what. But right now I just feel so hungry to be with other people who believe in God, who are on a spiritual journey, that I had to go somewhere.

It was a good, challenging and helpful sermon - and the people were loving and kind, in just the right measures.

But a thought that struck me as I was walking home (in wonderful peace and quiet...bliss) was: why do we put all these human barriers up between us and God? Why can't it just be us and God?

Qualifying the next with the fact that I do understand that my knowledge of the world's religions only scratches the surface - it seems that many of the monotheistic faiths of the world have these layers of 'men' between the people and God.

Gurus, imams, priests - and beyond those, greater prophets - is it easier for us to have a belief in God when others have walked before us? Is the concept of God, without a protective advance guard of other men like ourselves, just too much?

In no way do I want to offend. I am asking myself as much as anyone else.

But then again, thinking of the holy texts: as I understand it, the Quran was given to Mohammed by angels; in the Bible, Moses had to remain in the cleft of the rock because it would not be possible for him to look directly upon God, he could only see the back of him; in light of these examples, why should *I* - flawed, sinful, dirty I - be able to get close to God without intercession, without protection?

At the heart of all my questioning and rambling is a pure and simple craving for closeness to God. I have no idea what path I'm on, if any - I have no idea what is the right path. The only thing I know right now is that I do believe in God and I just want to be closer to him than I am.

Keep learning. It'd be really boring if you knew all the answers already.

I just typed 'failure' in the title line, but I deleted it and changed my mind.

I made a mistake at work today - I got facts wrong in a story, and this has caused anxiety to some local residents. (This last is what is upsetting me the most, as well as my own total inability to deal with mistakes and my tendency to beat myself up).

I'm trying to not handle this situation the way I usually have in the past, and to deal with it in an adult, effective, productive, constructive way. Hence deleting 'failure' - the way my mind works, that will only serve to keep me dwelling on it.

I have to say, it is disheartening that every time I'm cruising towards increasing my confidence in myself or my abilities, something like this happens. (Maybe I am sabotaging it myself somehow? Hmm.)

I don't have a lot of confidence, and I've always struggled with being complacent - fearing that if I become complacent, or start taking things for granted, I will be punished, or will lose those things. I confuse complacence with confidence - I am trying so hard not to have the former that I destroy any chance I have of gaining the latter.

It just seems ironic that every time I start to relax a little (this time at work) 'something bad happens.' Maybe I need to look more closely at that.

I definitely need to chill when it comes to my job. I am very guilty of letting it define me - allowing my career successes and failures to define who I am. Living to work instead of working to live.

Wow, I'm a nightmare. I get annoyed at myself!

Just trying to process some of this stuff through...thank goodness no one actually reads this. ;-)

I don't have kids, I get lonely sometimes - I guess that's why I value my job so much. That, and my inherited west coast Scottish Protestant work ethic.

Anyone else, I'd be able to reassure them. Myself, I can't forgive so easily.

Do I forgive others' mistakes easily though? I need to look at that too. Maybe this is what I can learn from this mistake.

I am desperately missing a spiritual dimension to my life at the moment, I just can't seem to find the right path. Do I need a specific path? Society tells me that yes, I do. I can't quite smother the sound of that voice yet.

...

OK, after gazing out of the window for a bit, at the most beautiful pink sky (I don't have the camera handy, or I'd attempt a pic) I have managed to replace the dot that was the original title of this blog to something a little more optimistic. Something that when I look on this tomorrow and prepare to cringe at yet another session of narrow-focus navel gazing, will hopefully inspire me just a wee bit to get over myself.

Now, THAT should be the title - get over yourself! :-)

just chill!

I've really got to just chill out.

I'm starting to do my own head in. Worry, worry, worry; project, project, project; stress, stress, stress. About nothing, mostly.

So, I have decided I must take steps to take better care of myself - and that does not mean this endless droning and self-analysis. Stop the negative thoughts in their tracks, and do things that help.

Seeking peace - well, at this moment, the picture above is a perfect illustration of peace for me. So I'm going to make that my 'happy place'. LOL.

Being outside has always helped to calm me down, and today I took out an annual membership for the local botanic garden. This means I can get in free whenever I want, and I can go and sit on the above bench, or any of the many others that nestle in gorgeous green glades or peaceful corners of the garden.

It's nature, but ordered nature, and I think it's just the kind of environment that will help me to chill a bit, if I take advantage of it.

I hate the fact that if there is anyone out there reading this, it's going to make no sense whatsoever...

If you are reading, I'm really not that bad...and I save all the crazy for here. :-D

bleh

still feeling blah, still feeling blue.

blue sky thinking

Blue sky thinking, one of those phrases that earns you a prize if you're playing "corporate-speak bingo."

And not something that applies to my thoughts today, no matter how hard I tried. (But hey, the picture's quite good, so I was trying to find a way to include it.)

I was trying to do some personal 'blue sky thinking' today...trying to think outside the box that is my head, trying to figure some stuff out.

All I think I really managed to do was depress myself, a little - not so much blue sky as just blues.

In a nutshell, I just feel so lonely...and that's really hard for me to admit, for all sorts of reasons. I feel shame at being lonely - I figure there must be something wrong with me because I am not popular. People make judgements about you based on how many friends you have. If you don't have many, then you don't seem to attract any more.

The words that my mother used so, so many times in my childhood are like a bell tolling. The sound echoes from my past, reverberates into my present, and I fear the vibrations are shaping my future, too.

I want to try to process this through. She used to say to me, when I'd done something wrong (I need to take some time at some point to identify what kind of things): "You're so horrible - if you don't watch out, when you grow up, you'll be a lonely old woman with no friends."

I feel lonely, so I feel I must be horrible, because I have fulfilled my mother's prophecy. And I can see how I have potentially created a self-fulfilling prophecy there; I just feel pretty helpless when it comes to changing it.

I don't know how to change it. Crap women's magazines tell you: "Join clubs! If you meet someone interesting, invite them for coffee! Listen and ask questions! Treat people as you want to be treated! Be friendly - smile! People will respond to your outreach!"

I'm sorry, but they don't. People go to clubs with existing sets of friends. If you invite random strangers for coffee, they think you're a weirdo with no friends. Asking questions can backfire - people think you're nosy. Listening - well, I have this one down pat, and all that happens is you get overloaded with information and become a kind of emotional dump. Treat as you want to be treated - I try - but it just never seems to come back; I'm despondent. Smile - well, OK, I haven't given up on that one, but I do suspect people think I'm mental.

OK, the above makes me sound bitter, or like I've given up, or like I know it all. I don't think any of those are true, but I am just a little despondent. I am the first to admit I know my social skills aren't great, due to shyness and fear; but I just need a wee bit of encouragement at the moment, a wee boost.

I am just desperately lonely and it makes me feel sad, sometimes.

Yet at the same time I am surrounded by people. Casual acquaintances, work contacts; things could be a lot worse. I just crave that deeper connection - it would be so good to have that just now. I am starving for connection. (And I am guessing that typing all this out, in this fashion, isn't going to make me sound like an attractive prospect! Argh. Note to self: try to do a selling-self type blog soon...)

I was scribbling random thoughts today, in my "think outside the box" session on the train, and my first note was: "things are not always what they seem."

This works both ways - and I need to remember that it doesn't always mean that the actual reality is worse than the surface appearance; sometimes the hidden truth is better.

I think I need to really look, and want to see, things very carefully before I can see what they really, truly are.

By the same token I need to think about, and look at, quite carefully, what I say to the world - and what reality I am hiding.

That's about as far as I got. It became a little depressing and I admit I got a wee bit stuck on "lonely". I need to try to remember that I'm not at the mercy of lonely. There is more thinking to be done, some of those random scribble thoughts need expansion and consideration (something to look forward to, readers... ).

So, back to the blue sky thinking - yes, I got blue, but I need to look at that picture above and remember that the clouds dissipate eventually and the sun comes back out. The blue is behind the clouds...so if I'm already at blue, that's got to be good?

time off

Since my last blog post (I love how I'm writing this like there is anyone out there saying: "we haven't had a new PQB blog since March!!!") I have been working REALLY hard - too hard to get near the blog.

I now have some time off and a whole lot of accumulated crap in my head (whoopee!).

Empty blog, too much rubbish in head...this can work for me...

But for now I'm off to have breakfast.

"I'll be back."

PQB

words to live by

I have two sayings which I felt really resonated with me, applied to me, not so much words to live by as words to comfort.

They are:

Go quietly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. - Desiderata

To know great happiness, one must first know great sadness - Confucious

Now I have three sayings, and to be honest I think the third one just has to be words to live by, for sure:

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little - Edmund Burke

visit www.hardrainproject.com

PQB

mille-feuille

just re-reading my last blog (of a few minutes ago) I realise that like the quangos I was moaning about, this blog has perhaps too many layers, confusingly...

I am sure I read that good blogs should have a clear purpose: emotional clearing, therapy, political...

Mine is all and none of the above. And in any case, I would certainly never call it 'good' or 'clear'!

But if you think about mille-feuille - all those layers, confusing, crumbs everywhere, can be insubstantial, but also sweet and a welcome treat - I suppose it is a good metaphor for my blog, which is then in turn very descriptive of my head. All over the place.

I don't think anyone's out there anyway. ;-)

PQB

ow

I've already used the picture of the rocks inside my head. Double them, and that gives you an idea of how it's feeling right now, after a night drinking wine, talking, laughing and crying with my lovely friend.

A strange night involving all of the above plus a ghost from the past (hopefully laid to rest, but we will see what happens when the fog clears) and a make-or-break discussion with someone who may be of the future.

When I was writing about my work a couple of days ago, there were things I meant to say but ran out of time.

Searching the archives, I found a news item telling of a man who'd been fined under the 'Control of Eggs Act' for, well, not controlling his eggs properly...

That was welcome light relief after the events of the morning - a waste of public money so that politicians and business people and those employed in the mille-feuille of quangos that make up modern life. If I'd been playing corporate-speak bingo, I'd have been national champion - partnership working, sustainable, renewable energy, blue sky thinking, the new north star, stakeholders - ding ding ding they were all there, and more.

Great news that our circulation has increased by 500 over the last few months...

I found prayer flags in my room today. They're cheerful - at the church I used to attend, prayer sometimes seemed such a serious and - dare I say it - joyless thing; heaven forbid that you just chatted to God about your day. And prayer flags would have been seen as an abomination.

I read that they are supposed to flutter the prayers up to heaven...which is lovely.

PQB

travail

This week has not been great, workwise: it's been one of those weeks where not only have I pleased no one at all, but I seem to have gone one step further and utterly pissed many people off. For an inherent people-pleaser like myself, that's very stress-inducing...and of course, I tend to make matters worse by over-compensating, apologising, explaining, etc etc etc...which makes everything much, much worse.

However, at the same time, I love my job. I am so grateful for it. What gets me down is politics and relationships (I'm not good at dealing with either because of shyness, having been out of that kind of environment for several years, and just general social ineptitude).

I love the challenge and doing something different every day. I love the potential for change - both my own personal change, and the opportunity to effect change, perhaps, in my tiny part of the world.

I titled the photo above "aspirations" because it perfectly displays my own, and is a reminder of why the shitty weeks are worth it.

I would write more, but my dinner's ready.

PQB

rockin' all over...

...my head.

It feels like it's got rocks in it. Rocks would probably yield more sense.

I think I've got lots to say, but am too lazy to say it. Even here.

maybe later...

PQB

The city that never sleeps

Why is that I feel most at peace in the city? All that noise, all those people, all that going on, but yet that's where I feel *totally* at peace. My heart, my mind, everything is at ease when I'm up there, and I can feel the un-peace and unease starting as I leave its boundaries to travel home on the motorway.

There's only one city for me, and that's Glasgow. I miss it (and I've only been home 45 minutes). I love it at night. I wish I could write well enough to describe it. One day I'll have a go. In the meantime there are a handful of pics on flickr (the ones that were in focus, i.e. 3 out of about 150) which show two of my favourite places.

Shame I had to leave!

Today's been a good day, though.

I saw an old couple in the supermarket. I love to see old *couples* - so often you just see elderly people alone, and that can be sad - so it's fantastic to see old, long-married pairs going about their business.

This pair were particularly cool - the togetherness just oozing out of them and what struck me about them was the fact that they were still *chatting* together. All those years, and they still hadn't run out of things to say. Fantastic.

Someone approached me, in the same supermarket, and said: "I've been following your stories for months. I like your writing." Obviously crazed, but it's good to hear that. (I do make more of an effort at work).

Before leaving for Glasgow, I had to take photos at a ceilidh for local disabled/mental health patients. That was pretty cool - it's simple entertainment but there is so little provision in the way of services locally that its *everything* to them, and they enjoy it and really, really value it because of that. It's just &*%$£!@# typical that *all* my photos are out of focus. I'm annoyed, for them. I am hoping the wizards in the Department of Smoke and Mirrors at work can do something about them.

So tomorrow's plan is: kill two birds with one stone, and get out there and practise taking photos. Ones that are in focus.

And now, it's time for bed.

PQB

enough already

I like this dragon. Sometimes I feel like a dragon, especially in the mornings before I've had a cup of tea. I wouldn't mind if I was like this dragon.

Billy Connolly said: avoid the company of those who say they know all the answers. instead, seek out those who are still trying to understand the question.

this is really reassuring to me - I am always trying to understand the question.

seriously, going to bed now.

PQB

resolve

I am the first to admit that for many years, I have had a very negative attitude about the small Scottish town where I live.

I grew up here, and my young adolescence was not really a happy time. I felt like an oddball, that I didn't fit in. I continued to feel this way for a very long time.

I felt trapped here and thus angry, resentful. I railed against my town for its negative outlook, its apathy. I didn't really see, somehow, that I was contributing to that. I certainly wasn't doing anything to make it better. I thought I was above it all, I was here by chance and bad luck, not by choice, the town didn't deserve me, I was different. (Yet another cringe. I suspect it will be a regular occurence. Let's just put a disclaimer here, now, that with every one of my blog posts, there will be at least one cringe at myself, somewhere).

Now that I have my new job, working for the local paper, I finally have the attitude "if you can't beat it, join it." In order to do my job properly, I *have* to get a really good grasp of the issues, struggles and joys that make up this community. I've ignored those for years. I can't anymore.

The great thing is that I have found in myself a deep, deep love for this wee town. I can't believe it. I am seeing things about the community that I never thought I would. I'm walking about with my eyes open and seeing that while it's true that many of those complaints are valid, there is so, so much that's WONDERFUL about this funny little place.

There are people who genuinely care about this community. It's special to see and a privilege to be in their company.

A man came to the office today. He comes in a lot. He's what my mother would describe as "a little slow". I wonder, though.

Every time he comes to our office, he's drawing our attention to some aspect of our town that is wanting: it usually involves litter, fly tipping, a fence or structure which has become scruffy and needs a lick of paint. He's fed up of seeing the problem continue without anyone doing anything about it, and he comes to the newspaper to see if we care enough to highlight it and publicise it.

And unlike many others, he doesn't want recognition for doing this, he doesn't care about that, and he's not just moaning for the sake of it. He just wants it sorted, because he thinks it makes the town - *his* town, my town, our town, your town, the tourists' town - untidy and scruffy. He thinks it's letting the town, and the side, down. He has a pride in this town and he wants it to be the best it can be.

He is perhaps one of those citizens that is ignored or shunned, at best looked down upon, certainly not respected or feted or lauded, perhaps a figure of fun. He is quiet, he's not had the best advantages in terms of education, he's not rich. He goes about his business without asking much of anyone until he sees something that he thinks needs to be changed. That makes him much wiser than many of us and certainly me.

I'm ashamed to say that in the office, we've not always treated his concerns with the respect that they deserve. Today, I resolve to change that.

***

Today I went, in my work capacity, to a walk-through inspection of the local town hall which has lain in disrepair for several years and is currently the focus of a working group who hope to save it.

I've not been inside this building for probably 30 years. The last time I was there, I won first prize in a raffle: a Sindy Ballerina. I still remember the thrill of realising I'd won, and how beautiful this blonde Sindy was in her white tutu with her very bendy feet.

Anyway, that has no relevance whatsoever to this story... The old hall has potential. I just really, really hope it can be saved. In my new found love for this crazy little town, I just want it to become *something*. It's located in the heart of the town, and I just keep thinking how good it would be if it *became* a new heart for the town.

My rose-tinted spectacles are firmly attached to my face at the moment but I really hope that it becomes something good, something great...

***

My front page story this week talks about the resolve of the community when it comes to fighting on an issue that's been dragging this town down for over thirty years. As I said above, as I look at the community through new eyes, I see all these little pockets of resolve, of drive, of fighting spirit, which I never noticed before. I need to be a part of that, stop moaning and start doing.

Anyway, it strikes me that finally (six weeks into the New Year) I seem to be in the mindset to resolve...to make those New Year's resolutions. The lack of direction in that respect was worrying me. I'm glad it's finally put in an appearance. Maybe by the time summer comes I will have actually written some down. Something for anyone reading this to look forward to...

One that I am writing down is to remember to look for the beauty in the ordinary or everyday, and to get my camera out and record that.

I started off by setting up a flickr (see links) and placing my first photograph which is truly a thing of beauty...my lovely, lovely Ducati, which is far from ordinary but which is certainly an understated creature.

OK I am going to shut up now.

a new start

Blogging is something new for me.

It always struck me as something *not* for me...why would anyone want to read my ramblings? I don't write particularly well (ironic, given my job). It seemed self indulgent, somehow. *This* seems self indulgent. I am cringing as I type. The fact that I typed "I am cringing..." makes me cringe even more.

But the more I think about it, the more I realise it might just help me.

I'm quiet in real life, a listener, not a talker. That doesn't mean I don't have things to say. Often, I feel very inadequate because I don't say much. I feel I must be boring.

I've been thinking very recently and figure that it's OK that I don't say much. For so long, one of my favourite quotes has been "go quietly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence." It's time I stopped liking that, and started living it. Ceasing to fight against my quiet nature may just help me to find the peace I claim to seek.

Why seek peace, and be looking for more opportunities to add to the noise of the world at the same time?

I've always felt there's not enough listening in the world, while at the same time feeling I don't contribute because I don't say much in places where already everyone is just waiting for you to stop speaking so they can jump in. Maybe my contribution is saying nothing. Maybe that's what I am meant to do.

And of course, instead, I will just ramble here to any poor soul that happens to stumble across my blog... They'll become the peace-seekers then!

stop, thief

I seem to be my own best stealer of peace...well, me and blogger. And google. Trying to log back into my own blog was something of an ordeal. But hey, I'm here now.

Maybe, maybe, I really don't want peace. Maybe I want the drama. I seem to do a great job of bringing it into my life...and I mean that *I* bring it in. I go looking for it. And yet I protest that I hate drama.

Plus I have the PMS from hell.